Thursday, April 24, 2008

Can I Commit?

How Strong am I?

Today I made a decision that was extremely hard for me. I am going public with my weight issue. It may end up to be the most embarassing thing in my life or my most inspirational. My hopes and prayers are that it will help me to be commited to taking time for myself. A woman is made by God and fine tuned to be caring and nuturing creatures. It is one of our biggest faults. I don't think God meant for us to put everyone before ourselves, but we have. I can remember thinking in August of 1992 as Hurricane Andrew raged around my family as we sat huddled in the hallway that I just couldn't protect my children or promise that they would be safe from the storm. I remember crying hysterically and praying for my daughter, Jessie who was in the Bahamas. I thought if we were getting this bad of a storm here, she surely could not survive the storm on a small island. I really didn't think about thoughts were for my children.

My husband has often said to me that I need to take time for myself. I can wait no longer. I want to be able to get on the floor and play with my Grandson, Alex. I want to see my daughter Jessie and son Danny marry and have children. I want to grow old with my husband.

Growing up in a small town in Pa., some of my earliest memories are of being teased by my older brothers. They called me "Fat Sissy." Sissy is the name that those near and dear to me have called me since I was born and I prefer it over Doris. Just not the "fat" part. During my youth, I was always the chubby kid. I love to sing as a teenager and I'll never forget a teacher who told me that "fat people can't sing." I was crushed as I loved music. Oh...I had many friends and dates due to the fact that I had, what I considered, a great personality in face of adversity.

Throughout my adult life, I have gone up and down with my weight. The only time I was near successful was when I was on different drugs from a doctor. The minute I went off of them, I gained back the weight and more. My weight has always been a source of failure for me and it truly does affect my feeling of self worth. I guess society has not helped with that feeling. People feel that fat people are lazy, sloppy and unworthy of love. Many people act like fat people don't have feelings. Well...I am here to tell you that we do. I cry often and my feelings do get hurt a lot!

During this past weekend I faced the scale and was not happy. This 53 year old woman is too close to somewhere I swore I would never be. Yes...I'm too embarassed to mention the number. Maybe someday. (Note...the picture above is from a fashion show at church this past Saturday where I was the emcee.) have to understand that my husband is very fit and even plays raquetball three times a week. I, on the other hand, find it difficult to make time for exercising or taking time for myself. I do believe that I am a little afraid of exercise because I have suffered a broken leg that required surgery as well as a ruptured ACL ligament that I had to have a cadaver ligament implanted in my knee. I will say that even though I am fat...o.k...the word is obese and I admit I am...., the only medication I take is synthroid for an underactive thyroid....but I cannot blame my weight on that!

On Monday morning I went into the office and told my boss, who is also heavy and a good friend, that this was it. We both had to buckle down and it is easier when you have a friend to do it with. We committed to start walking and eating better.

My week so far has been pretty good. I attended a farewell party and also had an office luncheon and feel that I did well. I am more or less following the Weight Watchers plan. I have surprised myself by walking on Monday, Tuesday and today for a total of 2 to 2.5 miles a day. I feel good and yes...I have had some hunger. I still have not been able to drink a lot of water but I am working on it.

I am hoping to post here at least once a week to update you as to my progress. I will be truthful and honest about my feelings and my failures and successes. I hope you will support me with your prayers and emotional support because Lord knows...I need it. Feel free to post a comment below.
Until we meet again...............................


Harry Everhart said...

Dear Doris -

I loved your post about losing weight and admire you for being so trusting. I know you will succeed. But if you do not - there are so many more things I admire about you.

Doris - you are one of the nicest people I know. You have led an inspiring life to me. Think back to all the neat things you have done - it has been a full full life and you are only 53.

After high school - you moved to Miami and took a job - never looking back. That took courage.

You found Elias and saw true love. It was the 70s and you were a coal cracker girl - you challenged the odds of bringing a husband back to Tamaqua that had to carry his "white" birth certificate in his pocket to get into town. The two of you have produced a wonderful family - and now have a grand son - who is king of the world.

A hurricane hit you hard - nearly wiped you out. I remember butting my nose into your problems and suggesting that you move away from South Florida until it all cleared up. But you trudged on and rebuilt your home and life right there - like a coal cracker phoenix you rose from the ashes and refused to move.

I have never experienced a more wonderful class reunion than the night you took the stage and made a magical night for everyone. I did not even belong to that class - but every single person had a great time that night - thanks to you.

In 1979 - when we did not have a place to stay - and I had a bus full of family. You took us in at 11PM at night. After that - Doris and Elias were golden in my parents eyes and mine. I have a picture of my Dad in a lawn chair at your old house. It is our favorite picture of him. He was so happy being in the tropics in February - the only time in his life. He is smiling away - with his coal cracker long johns sticking out :-)

How about the time that we piled in there with Orlando friends to see an Orange Bowl?

How about when you and Elias took Drew in during a hurricane. He was alone in the big city during a hurricane and you guys made us feel so good - having him in the safe hands of friends.

Doris - you have influenced so many people with your spirit. Not one time did we care what you weighed. We are just so happy you are considering your health - we want you with us for a long long time.

Good luck on your next adventure.


Rolando said...

Doris, I am glad are making a commitment. I have always been motivated with your encouragement. Afterall, you were the one that convinced me that I could play guitar for all those people in church and CCD. Thanks. I'm here to support you
Hugs n Kisses
Rolando Contreras

Susan Kuklis said...

Dear Sis.

As I sit here with tears in my eyes I am writing you. As you well know, I have been in the same struggle all of my life. It has always been difficult being the "fat kid" now adult.
Gosh, If I would have kept off all the poundage I had lost, I would either weigh my original weight of 7lb. 4 oz. or NOT EXIST !!!
Nonetheless, I commend you for opening a new chapter in your life.
As we both are aware, the hardest part is making the "lifestyle change" is the only reason we have not been successful in the past!!
I will be praying for God to give me the strength to start on the same is a difficult one but not one WE cannot conquer!
My love and prayer for your continued success......


Anonymous said...

Dear Sissy,
You are such a beautiful person, both inside and out!!! You can do it! Just remember I Love You
Love, Charise

Anonymous said...

Dear Sissy,
You are such a beautiful person, both inside and out!!! You can do it! Just remember I Love You
Love, Charise

Anonymous said...

Dear Sissy,
You are such a beautiful person, both inside and out!!! You can do it! Just remember I Love You
Love, Charise

Olivia said...

You are a beautiful person with an amazing heart and a an unbelievable soul...they just came with a little extra padding! I feel your pain's always easier to eat a box of Girl Scout cookies than admit you're sad or bored or angry or whatever. It sounds like you have the right mindset to get you moving in the right direction. My prayers are with you!